on the waaaaaaa-tterrrrrrr
Vorhias was pooped. Perhaps this wasnt such a good idea. Shed managed to keep the annoying, music-inducing animals away from her with her tuneless Deep Purple caterwauling, but now she was getting tired, from all the screaming shed done. At this point she wasnt even trying to project.
Fire in the
. She finally stopped, and looked around.
The forest of however much distance she had travelled looked no different from the forest from when she originally started. As relieved as she was to be away from the creepy showtune-inspiring woodland critters, she was more disappointed, as she had no way to know how much distance shed traveled, or how much time she had left.
Arabelle?? She called, just a little bit hoarse, hoping her unwanted faerie god-acquaintance could give her some insight. No such luck, unfortunately.
With a grumble, Vorhias continued on her way down the dirt path. With every step she took, her silvery dress never once got a smudge of filth on it. Such a thing genuinely perplexed Vorhias, but she opted not to think about it too deeply, chalking it up to some kind of magical ridiculousness or something
The sun still shone overhead, piercing the leafy veil of the top of the forest. That was a good sign, though its reflections off of Vorhias dress did cause her to squint a lot. She would soon find out though, that this presented a strange, and extremely annoying problem.
Her eyes were so pronounced and heavy with enchanted mascara and twinkly eyeshadow that occasionally it would take a little extra force on her part to get her eyes back open after she had shut them. Such a thing had no basis in reality of course, but this wasnt her reality, so there she was. Eyes shutting an opening, and gradually pissing her off.
During one interval she very nearly walked smack into a tree, barely managing to stop herself in time, soon finding herself flailing in place, attempting to re-balance herself in high heels.
To say that Vorhias was irked at this point would be an understatement. Her legs ached too.
I say there, dearie, are you alright? A raspy voice rang out. Just off to the side of the tree, there stood an old woman in peasant garb. She seemed to come out of nowhere, but emanated this sort of warmth and charm about her that would encourage Vorhias to briefly let her guard down about such things.
Oh my, but arent you a bit overdressed. She added with a chortle. The general niceness coming off of this rather uninteresting beggar woman was almost infectious. For the first time in so many hours Vorhias actually started to chuckle a bit, starting to feel a little bit charmed by her.
Oh, but I suppose an adorable little thing like you can make an ensemble like that work anywhere
She added, looking Vorhias over. Now she was starting to feel flattered, and actually let out an uncharacteristically girlish giggle. Whoever this woman was, she had a way.
Do you have a name, darling?
Charlotte. Vorhias answered, without a thought.
Oh, what a beautiful name
oh, but what on EARTH are you doing out in the middle of a forest like this? Seems awfully peculiar.
Vorhias started, scratching her head, or at least what of her head she could reach through her enormous hair. Its a strange story, but Im kind of lost, and need to find my way out to the nearest town before-
Oh my, my, my
Thats quite a walk, that is. The beggar woman replied. Surely youve been walking quite a while...thats no way for a dainty little lady to carry on, come now
have a rest in my cottage. Im sure youd love to take some weight off your svelte little legs
Again, Vorhias couldnt help but feel flattered.
Well...I AM really tired
Splendid, the matter is settled. The old woman replied, clapping her hands a bit excitedly. Perhaps a nice bath, too
to soothe those tense muscles
Bath? Well I-
Nonsense, I insist! Stay as long as you need to get back on your little feet, child! The old woman said, leading Vorhias in a direction. My cottage is just a short stroll from here
Perhaps youd like something to eat, too?
Seriously. NOONE can be this nice..
Well that sounds very- Vorhias started, before actually getting a look at the cottage.
Before her stood a frosting-pink cabin with graham crackers for a roof, studded with gumdrops, the walls made out of ginger bread with chocolate chips sprinkled all across it, the path to it -while connected to the dirt path Vorhias had been trekking across- was made of taffy, and there were candy cane lawn ornaments strewn across.
It was a house made out of candy.
Vorhias snapped back to reality in an instant. Even for someone as nice as this someone, that was severely un-right.
Now if youll just follow me- The kindly old woman started.
The woman blinked.
I beg your pardon, dearie?
I dont understand.
Whats to understand? Laugh. I wanna hear you laugh.
The old lady was confused, but complied with a half-hearted Ha ha ha
Like you mean it. Think of something funny if you have to. Just start laughing.
After a bit of thinking, the old lady slowly started to laugh. As soon as she had, Vorhias began to back away.
Right. Yknow what that was? That was a cackle right there. Nice try. Im getting outta here.
Cackle? I dont understand what-
There are only two types of people who time has shown will cackle like that. Witches and Hillary Clinton
though on further retrospection theres not much difference between the two, nonetheless you dont look like a Clinton.
My dear, your long trip has made you delusional from the heat
perhaps you would like candy to calm your nerves? My cottage is made out of it, you know
No dice. Vorhias said, standing her ground.
Why even the walls are made of the most delicious gingerbread
No. In fact I really should have seen this one coming-
LICK THE WALLS, DAMMIT!!! The lady shouted, suddenly getting very mad and rabid.
It was with that outburst that Vorhias turned 180 degrees and took to the path as fast as she could, her aching legs no longer an issue, not stopping until the mad ravings of the formerly charming old woman slowly turned into background noise, and gradually faded out, as did her cottage.
It was then and there that Vorhias understood just what Arabelle meant by the forest being odd. First there was the singing critters, and now the crazy hag in the candy house. Clearly this forest was trying to entice her into acting out some strange real-world fairy tale for what might as well be the forests own amusement.
Well she was going to have none of that.
time to get resolute. Vorhias grunted to herself. Gonna exert some willpower! HAL JORDAN! Gonna do whatever it takes not to get sucked into this ridiculous farce of an enchanted woods, if its the last thing I-
OI, ERE YOU ARE!!!
And with nary a minutes thought, from out of the brush came an enormous gorilla-man in Viking clothes, causing Vorhias to facepalm.
Tha wasnt a very noice fing you did earlier tme, miss nice lady. Heathloaf said, sounding very stern, towering over Vorhias, getting in her face. My boss got so mad at me
Yknow, technically speaking I WAS still right
Quiet! I been told tfind you, an now tha I ave, yer comin wif me! He said, grabbing Vorhias by the arm.
just so were clear, you were told to find me, right?
But were you told to bring me to your guy?
Heathloaf paused, forgetting to let go of Vorhias, keeping her suspended above the ground a moment.
Sounds like to me he didnt.
Well...well no, ee diint
Well quite clearly youve found me. At this point theres really not much left to do until he comes back for you, is there?
Heathloaf scratched at his helmet.
no I dont roightly spose not, no
I mean right!
Heathloaf mumbled. Well
He added, a little bewildered. What should I do now then?
Hey, its all on you, big guy. Vorhias shrugged, removing herself from Heathloafs grip, and landing to the forest floor. You could go grab a pint of beer, or a nice oversized meat leg or something. You guys have that, dont you?
Really? Heathloaf asked, his eyes lighting up, and a big grin forming on his face. Could I?
Go for it. Vorhias encouraged.
Oh boy oh boy, I do love me my meat legs! Heathloaf happily cried, hopping up and down like a 6-year old over-stimulated by sugary cereal and Saturday morning cartoons. Upon landing he made his way back into the brush, as if he had the nearest tavern bookmarked on a minimap.
Thanks Miss Charlotte! Youre a noice lady! Buh-bye!
Vorhias waved as Heathloaf slowly disappeared back into the brush
and with that continued on her way.
Little did Heathloaf know that he was due for another sound thrashing as soon as Robespierre found out. But for now?
Meat legs ahoy.